


fate has a funny way of bringing people together.

by AutisticMob



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: AU sorta?, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Bisexual Character, Canon Character of Color, Canon Gay Relationship, Character Study, Depression, Dialogue Heavy, Eventual Happy Ending, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Lesbian Author, M/M, Manhattan, Mental Breakdown, New York, One Shot, Oneshot, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-02
Updated: 2018-11-02
Packaged: 2019-08-14 14:35:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16494488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AutisticMob/pseuds/AutisticMob
Summary: Ash Lynx has nothing more to live for. Standing on the Manhattan Bridge, preparing to jump, he's suddenly approached by a kind stranger.The two end up having lunch together, forcing Ash to confess that he wasn't on the bridge to watch the sunrise.





	fate has a funny way of bringing people together.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is. Really triggering tbh there's a lot of depressing subject matter...anyways this will probably be my last banana fish fic for a bit because writing for it makes me SAD.

Eiji Okumura drifted in and out of his thoughts as he pedaled his bike down the street and towards the Manhattan Bridge, the ache of his old leg injury something he forced to the back of his mind. 

It was still early morning, and the sun had started to peek out over the horizon, making the inky ocean glitter like a black diamond, reflecting the receding night sky. 

This was all so new and different for Eiji, who’d recently come to America with Shunichi Ibe, a photographer that he worked as an assistant for, having injured his leg during a pole-vaulting competition. 

His mind swirled with thoughts as he made his way down the bike path on the side of the bridge. The smell of the salty sea below was a welcome scent, and it almost felt like Japan, where the salty scent of the coast was never far off, and the welcoming sea breeze teased one’s hair. 

However, about halfway down the bridge, something curious happened. 

Something that would change Eiji for good. Of course, he knew nothing of this in the moment, but change would come as it always did. 

A boy with pretty blonde hair who was wearing a blue and white hoodie and ripped jeans with converse was standing at the edge of the railing, leaning against it as he stared down into the obsidian ocean. 

Eiji wondered if this person had the same idea as him? Maybe he could make a friend. Even if the two of them shared in this one small thing, it would still be a connection he hadn’t had before. 

Leaning his bike against the railing and pushing the kickstand down with his shoe, he made his way across the walkway and towards the blonde stranger. 

As he approached, the boy made no effort to make eye contact, or even say hello. 

In the low light of the sunrise, Eiji realized how pretty this boy was. He had deep, Jade green eyes and a pensive expression written across his face. 

“Um, excuse me,” Eiji said, standing only a few feet away from the boy. 

“Who are you? What do you want?” The blonde questioned, raising an eyebrow. His expression changed to one of annoyance. 

“Oh, nothing. I was just...um...are you watching the sunset?” Eiji smiled. 

“Hm? Oh...yeah, I guess,” the blonde shrugged, turning back to face the rising sun, which ignited his face with a burning orange glow. 

“Can I watch with you?” Eiji asked.

The blonde said nothing, shrugging as he leaned against the railing.

The two were silent for several moments, surrounded by only the sounds of the sea below, the ocean breeze, and the cars zooming past behind them. 

In a moment of weakness, the unknown person spoke up, not knowing that this one phrase would alter the course of his life for good. 

“Have you ever had something stolen from you?” The pretty stranger asked, his gaze remaining fixated on the painted horizon blooming in front of them. 

“What do you mean?” Eiji raised an eyebrow, confused. Of course he’d had things stolen from him. Some delinquent upperclassmen back in Japan stole his bike once, and he always loaned pencils to people who never returned them. 

“I had something taken from me when I was younger. It’s not some material thing or whatever. It’s something I can never get back, not in a million years. No matter how much I beg for God to give it back, to let me turn back time and let me have the one thing that every kid deserves, I can’t. Do you know what that’s like?”

He turned to face Eiji, and a deep sadness betrayed itself in his emerald eyes. It wasn’t the familiar disappointment he knew from his own eyes when confronting the end of his pole-vaulting career. This was a type of sadness he’d never seen in anyone’s eyes. It was almost the same as the way that child on the news looked, the one who’d seen his parents killed in front of him, the one that made headlines in Japan. And yet, it wasn’t the same. Eiji knew that whatever this stranger had been through somehow hurt more than that. 

At that moment, he swore that he was staring into this person’s soul. He was face-to-face with the blonde’s broken heart, and Eiji wondered what that ‘thing’ was. What could have been stolen from him that could make someone like _this_?

“Ah, I went on a little tangent there. You probably don’t care,” the pretty stranger muttered, tearing his gaze away from Eiji and shaking his head.

“I-I do, I just...I don’t really know what you mean, I’m sorry,” Eiji apologized, the image of this whoever’s eyes locked in his mind. 

Eiji figured he must’ve looked sad, because the guy snapped at him not to give him ‘that look’.

Some part of him felt relieved that this dark-haired stranger knew nothing of the unkind world that had been Ash’s entire life. 

At the same time, it was such a bitter feeling. Even though Ash knew that Dino had made countless other victims, none of them had the same experience he did. It felt so alienating. 

It was part of the reason he’d come here. Either way, Ash found it irritating, and he wished this person would go away and leave him to do what he came to. 

“Ah, I’m sorry! I didn’t even ask your name!” the other chirped. He knew nothing of Ash’s real motive. 

“Ash. Ash Lynx,” Ash sighed, leaning back against the railing that separated the walkway from the pavement behind them. 

“My name’s Eiji Okumura!” Eiji smiled, introducing himself with a warm tone.

“Don’t you have somewhere to be?” Ash questioned, irritation leaking from his words. 

“Not really. I was just going for a ride, but since it’s Saturday, I don’t have class or anything. What about you? Won’t your parents worry for you?” Eiji asked. 

Ash felt a sharp knife of frustration pierce his chest. If only Eiji understood. 

But Ash couldn’t tell him. He planned to take every disgusting secret he’d locked in the recesses of his mind to the grave. 

He’d come here for that reason anyways. 

Ash almost wanted to laugh at the situation. If Eiji knew, would he call the police? 

It wasn’t like they’d do anything. Dino was in bed with the entire department, and the police would take no action except sending Ash back to that person who’d done nothing but force him to relive his trauma. 

He didn’t want to go back. He couldn’t. 

He’d come this far, after all, and planned to go through with his suicide. 

“No,” was all Ash could bring himself to say. His voice shook, and he prayed that Eiji wouldn’t notice. 

Eiji paused, staring at Ash. His face turned towards the rising sun rendered his expression invisible. 

Did his parents not care about him? What kind of person was Ash?

“Before you say anything, I don’t want or need pity from you. I’m fine, okay? I just...have a rough relationship with my parents,” Ash lied. 

“I-I’m not...don’t worry, I’m not pitying you. I’m just kind of worried, is all,” Eiji breathed. 

Ash’s eyes widened.

Why did this random stranger care about him? His mind jumped to the usual first conclusion.

Eiji wanted to have sex with him. 

That was all anyone wanted him for, it felt like. 

What autonomy did he have? What ownership did he have over his own body? What more did people see him as than an object; something to fuck? What did he exist as besides a sex toy for countless disgusting men?

The answer made him feel sick. 

“You don’t actually care. You just want to have sex with me, don’t you?” Ash turned around, glaring at Eiji. 

“W-What?” Eiji’s cheeks flushed, and he took a step back. Where did _that_ come from? 

“Why would I want to have sex with you?” Eiji asked. 

“Because. Everyone wants to have sex with me. Whenever someone’s nice to me, they expect me to repay them with sex. That’s how it works,” Ash explained. 

The same look of hurt Eiji had seen earlier flashed in Ash’s eyes once again. 

What kind of fucked-up world did Ash live in? What kind of people did he associate with? Why did he think he owed people sex?

“I don’t want to have sex with you, Ash. I don’t expect you to repay me for being a decent person,” Eiji told him, reaching out to place a hand on Ash’s shoulder. 

Ash slapped his hand away, feeling tears stinging at the corners of his eyes. “Don’t touch me,” he snapped. 

Everything he felt right now was so confusing. Eiji _didn’t_ want to have sex with him? Then what use did he have that would prove useful to Eiji? 

He’d never been in a situation like this. 

Eiji looked at him, his big eyes filled with confusion and sadness. What kind of life had Ash lived? He couldn’t even imagine what he’d been through. 

“I told you to stop giving me that stupid look!” Ash spat. He hated that fucking _look_. He didn’t want Eiji to feel sorry for him. It made him feel so pathetic and vulnerable. 

He didn’t want anyone to destroy the tough gang leader image he’d worked so hard to build up; to hide the fragile part of him that hurt so much. Ash promised himself to never be soft or vulnerable again after seeing the world’s unkindness at such a young age. He knew vulnerability would only lead to more heartache. 

Then again, in this moment, it didn’t matter. Ash planned to kill himself anyways, so what did it matter if someone else tore out another piece of him? What more did that hurt child have to lose if he planned to die?

What did one more small bit of heartbreak mean if that had been his entire life up until now?

“I hope you know I’m not pitying you at all. I don’t want sex from you as some kind of ‘repayment’,” Eiji told him.

How soft and kind his voice sounded. Could it be the truth that someone didn’t want to use him? Did people like that exist?

“I...I stopped because I saw you admiring the sunrise, and I got the same idea,” Eiji explained. 

“I didn’t expect us to have a conversation. N-Not that I mind at all, I just arrived here a few days ago, and everything’s so new and confusing,” Eiji sighed. 

“Do you really not want to have sex with me?” Ash asked.

The sadness in his voice made Eiji’s heart ache. What kind of life did a person have to have to come to expect things like this?

“I really don’t, Ash,” Eiji told him. 

Ash wanted to cry so bad, but the tears didn’t come. He couldn’t even remember the last time he did cry. He’d kept everything inside for so long; even during the nights he awoke from nightmares caused by his PTSD, he couldn’t cry. All he could do was stare up at the ceiling and beg for god to end his life. 

“You said you just got here...where are you from?” Ash asked, leaning back against the railing. By this point, the sun had long risen up past the horizon, and now the sky had become a calming blue. 

“Japan. I...used to be an athlete, but I got an injury a few months ago that basically ended my career,” Eiji sighed. 

“Anyways, I’m here as an assistant to a friend who’s a photographer. He thought bringing me here would be a good change of pace,” he explained. 

It wasn’t like he could go back to pole-vaulting anyways. The injury to his ankle had long since healed, but he could never again push himself to the extremes that he did. It had taken a lot of physical therapy to even be able to walk with any semblance of normalcy, let alone ride a bike or do anything that required the slightest bit more mobility than walking. 

“An athlete? Like, national level?” Ash raised an eyebrow. 

Eiji laughed, “unfortunately, no. I wasn’t _that_ good at it. I just did regional competitions and stuff, it’s not like I’m an olympian or something.” A soft blush painted his cheeks as he spoke, and the wind ran its mischievous fingers through his obsidian-colored hair.

In that moment, Ash realized how pretty he was.

He found himself thanking whatever entity had given him life that he didn’t jump. Even though the thought of death felt so tantalizing, so reassuring, he’d found something that had never existed up until this moment. 

Even if he had, the possibility that he may not even die lingered in the back of his mind. He’d done lots of research into the bridge and suicide by it, as Ash had been planning his own death for several months at this point. Other people had for certain had the same idea before him, and many online sources stated that people had survived jumping from the side of the bridge. Those people sometimes ended up disfigured or disabled, and Ash _knew_ Dino would give him an earful if he failed to kill himself. Not only that, if by some shitty stroke of luck he lost the use of his arms and legs, he knew what would become of him. 

Thinking about it made him want to vomit. Death would be so much better than a lifetime of _that_. Even if his body wasn’t his own, at least he could put up a fight, even if it turned out to be in vain. That fact alone saved him from ‘it’ before, and he knew it would again in the future. 

“Do you come out here and do this regularly? I never realized how nice of a view it is!” Eiji chirped, taking a step closer to Ash. 

Ash turned to look at him. “Not really, but...maybe I should,” he laughed. “It’s nice to get out every now and again. My life is...busy, so I don’t usually have opportunities like this,” he explained. 

Again, that was a lie, but it wasn’t like he could dump the truth on some guy he’d just met. Keeping everyday people out of gang-related activities was for the best. 

Ash knew what Dino would do to someone like Eiji. Even having a simple conversation like this held extreme risk, and Ash felt guilty for putting Eiji in a dangerous situation, but he couldn’t help himself. 

He couldn’t help but reprimand himself for being so fucking selfish, but...

Ash’s faith in his men held strong. The thought of the countless number of people he had backing him up provided reassurance. He knew they wouldn’t let anything bad happen to Eiji, so long as Ash ordered for it to be so. 

And on the off chance that something _did_ happen, he’d take matters into his own hands. 

Ash had killed before, and he’d do it again in a heartbeat if it meant protecting this perfect soul he felt fated to have met. 

“Oh, so you live around here?” Eiji questioned, cocking his head to the side.

“Mhmm. I’ve lived here for over half my life.” Ash nodded, trying to seem nonchalant as he returned to staring out at the glittering blue ocean that lapped at the bridge’s support beams beneath them. 

“You should show me around some time! O-Only if you want, of course! No pressure!” He laughed, fiddling with the collar of his sweater in an awkward manner. 

Ash felt heat rising up into his cheeks, and he nodded a bit, casting a sidelong glance at Eiji, who was looking up at the sky. 

“I know this place like the back of my hand,” he explained, telling the truth for once. 

He felt most at home in these streets, after all. This had been his reality for the better part of his life, so every side street and back alley had grown to become a familiar sight. 

“Really?!” Eiji’s brown eyes sparkled with curiosity, and Ash felt something stir in his chest. It was a feeling he’d only ever known one other time when he was younger, when he liked a girl that he knew. 

Even still, this feeling was different. Almost every other man in his life had, at one point or another, been a disgusting pervert, or worse, a pedophile.

He wasn’t used to these kinds of feelings happening, so having them awaken in such a sudden fashion caught him off guard, to say the least. 

“It’s not very impressive. Ask anyone who’s lived here a few years and they’ll know their way around. Manhattan’s not that big.” Ash shrugged, wondering if the cities in Japan were small or something. He wondered if Eiji wasn’t a city boy, so any medium-sized urban sprawl would seem massive in his eyes. 

Still, Ash’s knowledge of this city was far more intimate than most other people’s. It wasn’t like he could say that though, so he had to act normal. Any minor fuckup and Eiji would be asking questions, or worse, he might get himself into something he shouldn’t. 

“Um...I...I was wondering...” Eiji tapped his fingers together, his cheeks flushed. “If maybe...you’d want to get lunch or coffee some time, or something? I totally get it if not, I...just figured I’d ask.”

That was a normal thing people did in America too, right? Asking someone to lunch was normal and not at all weird, right?

Eiji wished Shunichi were here. He was smart, and he’d know what to say without a doubt. 

But he wasn’t. 

Ash turned to look at Eiji again, a confused expression written across his face. “Eh? Asking me on a date already? How forward of you!” He teased. 

“W-What?! N-No, it’s not like that! Oh god, is that weird? Is it weird to ask someone out to lunch? In Japan, friends do it all the time, so I just thought—“ a burst of laughter from Ash interrupted Eiji

“Eiji, I’m joking,” he chuckled. “It’s perfectly normal to ask a friend out for lunch,” Ash explained, earning an awkward laugh from Eiji. 

“Although,” Ash started, “if you want to ask me out as something besides a friend, I’ll be glad to oblige.”

Eiji looked like he was going to pass out when Ash said that. He didn’t think it was possible for someone to be that flustered and still be standing. 

“Um...h-how about we just go as...I don’t know what the English word is, but like...friends who just met?” Eiji flashed a sheepish smile. 

“Acquaintances?” Ash raised an eyebrow. 

“Ah-kwain...tenses?” Eiji repeated after Ash, the unfamiliar word feeling strange on his tongue.

Ash’s heart pounded against his ribcage, the blood in his veins filling him with a giddy anticipation. 

This, too, had long been a foreign feeling. 

Most of the anticipation he’d had in the past years was the uncomfortable, sickening kind. The kind that made you want to die as to get even a moment’s worth of relief. 

But this time, he felt only euphoria. It wasn’t the kind of anticipation that made his stomach coil up with dread, knowing that some gross old guy who smelled like alcohol would make him relive his childhood trauma. 

Ash watched as Eiji’s soft-looking pink lips mouthed the syllables, repeating the word under his breath as to imprint it in his brain. 

“So...about the lunch, when’s a good time? I’m free whenever!” Eiji chirped. 

He had no plans, and school didn’t start until fall, so he often found himself with large gaps of time he needed to fill. He always ended up spending most of said time helping Shunichi. The rest of it he used to explore the city, doing things like going to the massive library or eating at street-side cafés. Manhattan had so much to do, and it felt so new and foreign. Shunichi often let him go out on his own, so long as he kept his cell phone on at all times. 

“It doesn’t really matter. Whenever’s fine; I can make time,” Ash shrugged. It wasn’t like he had a schedule or anything. 

Eiji cocked his head. What did that mean? Ash was for sure enigmatic, but that made him charming. 

“How about Saturday at 12? Where do you think is a good place?” Eiji asked. He knew nothing about the restaurants around here, instead placing his trust in Ash.

Saturday? Sort of inconvenient, as _that person_ liked doing things with him on Saturday. That wasn’t going to go down well with him. Even if Ash had to kill him, then so be it. 

Still, much to Ash’s relief, the time he’d been forced to spend with his captor grew less and less as the weeks dragged past. He wondered if it was because Ash was older now; less desirable. The thought was sickening, but at the same time, his heart became seeped in relief. He was almost eighteen, which would make him a legal adult. 

He wondered if Dino would finally leave him alone after that. Now that his body had long since passed through puberty, he would finally have the time he needed to heal. 

Ash knew he would never be ‘fixed’. He would never heal completely. No matter how much coming-to-terms he did, no matter how much closure he knew he would get when that guy finally died, he would _never_ be the same as he was. 

Wasn’t that already death, then? In the most technical sense, a part of him died already, and it would never come back. Even when his physical body returned to the earth and became nothing but atoms, it wouldn’t change. 

“Ash?”

Eiji’s voice pulled him from his thoughts.

Fuck. 

He didn’t even realize he’d been zoning out. 

“Mm. There’s a good café downtown, on fourth street. I go there from time to time, it’s called ‘ _La Passion_ ’, I think.”

He’d never bothered to remember the name, as things like that weren’t a top priority in his life. Things like not getting killed took much higher priority, unfortunately. 

“Fourth street...” Eiji trailed off, tapping a finger against his chin. 

“It’s near Broadway. You can’t miss it,” Ash chuckled. Surely Eiji knew where Broadway was, especially if he came here to take photographs. 

“I-I’ll use a map,” Eiji let out an awkward laugh, his cheeks flushing. He knew nothing about this city, which made him feel quite embarrassed around Ash, who seemed to know it as he would an old lover. 

“Don’t get lost,” Ash teased, the ghost of a smile passing over his lips. 

Eiji realized that he had yet to see Ash smile up until this point. Upon making this conclusion, his heart began racing. He looked pretty, especially that angelic smile graced his features.

“I, um...should probably get going...I have to help Mr. Ibe with a project,” Eiji stammered, once again playing with the neckline of his brown knitted sweater. 

“Right, right. See you on Saturday,” Ash nodded, giving the other a brief wave. 

“Before I go...I...I just wanted to say...I’m glad I met you, Ash Lynx.” Eiji breathed, his voice a whisper, almost drowned out by the roaring of cars passing across the bridge behind them. 

Ash’s eyes widened. For the first time, Eiji saw what looked like an expression of shock written across his face. It wasn’t exaggerated or anything, but still noticeable. Ash seemed taken aback, and he wasn’t sure what to say in response. 

“Thanks?” Ash raised an eyebrow as he spoke, sounding confused. 

Eiji couldn’t help but smile at Ash’s response. “I’ll see you,” he told the other. 

“ _Sayonara_ ,” Ash replied, earning a laugh from Eiji. It sounded so angelic; music to his ears. 

He turned and watched as Eiji mounted his bike and pedaled away down the bike path, his silhouette disappearing into the rippling mirage of heat that radiated off the bridge’s pavement. 

Glancing back down at the endless blueness before him, glittering as if diamonds floated upon its surface, relief crashed over him like a wave. 

He didn’t kill himself. 

Under normal circumstances, he would’ve perceived this as a personal fault; some kind of cowardice preventing him from ending it all. 

But...

This was different. His heart pounded in his chest, and part of him felt glad that he hadn’t jumped. Reality remained still cold and unforgiving, and a small voice in the back of his mind whispered for him to do it, to jump. 

Maybe he would’ve obeyed this impulse if it had happened an hour earlier. Who knew.

Now, however, images of Eiji sitting alone in the café, waiting for Ash all the while not knowing he would never show up started to play in his mind like an old film reel. 

He couldn’t do that. Much to his own surprise, his heart even ached at the thought. 

Even if he did still want to die, Ash promised himself he’d put it off until _after_ he and Eiji had lunch. It wasn’t a good thing, wanting to die, but at least postponing the date helped some. 

Ash knew that, at this point, his men may be worried. He’d expressed some suicidal ideations earlier, and had been much grumpier than usual these past few days. 

He’d made his bed, and now he had to lie in it.

Still, explaining that he’d changed his mind seemed like a fine explanation. Ash knew none of them would question it, instead being thankful he chose not to. 

 

*****

 

The days came and went, dragging so slow that they felt almost painful. Time seemed like a thick soup, inching by as Ash awaited the second meeting with Eiji. 

It seemed like millennia had passed until Saturday finally came. Ash had left ‘home’ early that day, not wanting anything to get in the way of his plans. 

Ash arrived outside the small café an hour in advance. He stood beneath the awning that stretched over the entrance, his hand never leaving the holster of his gun, tucked into the waistband of his pants beneath his hoodie. Even despite the fact that he wore a surgical mask, sunglasses, and a hat in an attempt to hide his face, he knew that Golzine would go to any lengths to find him. 

What a fucking creep. A small dribble of satisfaction at his defiance of that person who’d put him through unbearable pain trickled into his chest. Even if it was a small act of rebellion, it mattered. 

At 11:53, Eiji showed up outside the café. He held a crinkled map out in front of him, his face scrunched up in concentration. Scrawled on the map was illegible Japanese text written in black pen. His bottom lip pursed a little bit in a cute determination as he stared at the map. Eiji walked right past the café, only to stop a few seconds later several hundred feet away. He pulled out his cellphone and squinted at the screen, turning back around and stopping at the right place this time. He was muttering something to himself as his amber eyes scanned the map up and down. 

“Eiji,” Ash whispered, trying to get the other’s attention. 

He immediately looked up from the map, his eyes wide. 

“Ash?” Eiji breathed. 

“Eiji, it’s me.”

“A-Ash? Wh...Why are you wearing that?” Eiji questioned. 

“I’m sick and it’s super bright out. I have a light sensitivity,” he lied. Ash couldn’t tell by Eiji’s facial expression whether or not the other believed him, but that didn’t matter. He turned around and motioned for the other to follow him inside. 

Eiji seemed a little confused, but followed the other nonetheless. 

When the sat down at one of the cute, diner-style tables, Ash pulled the surgical mask down and let it hang around his neck. He took off his sunglasses and hat, his blonde hair ruffled from having been under the hat for who knows how long. 

Eiji smiled. Ash’s eyes were such a pretty, piercing green. They reminded him of emeralds. He would be okay with staring into them all day.

Ash sighed, his tense shoulders dropping a bit as he leaned back against the dark green cushion on the booth. 

Right as Eiji opened his mouth to speak, a tall, dark-haired Chinese woman sauntered over to their table. She was beautiful, and wore a black waitress outfit that outlined her curves.

“Hello, Ash!” The woman flashed a warm smile. “Who’s your friend?” She asked, looking down at Eiji.

“This is Eiji Okumura. He’s a photographer’s assistant from Japan,” Ash told her. 

“My my, is he your boyfriend?” She laughed in a teasing manor. 

“Shut up, Guiying,” Ash scolded, still smiling as he spoke, alluding to the friendly relationship between the two.

“You two know each other?” Eiji asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“We’re friends,” Ash interjected. He looked concerned, as if there were something he wanted to keep hidden. 

It wasn’t like Ash could tell Eiji that he was part of a gang, and on good terms with the opposing Chinese gang that shared their territory. It wasn’t like he could tell Eiji that Guiying was part of said gang, and even though this wasn’t a Chinese restaurant, she had gang ties; as did everyone else who worked here. He had to keep Eiji safe, which meant keeping the gang a secret. 

“Anyways, what can I get for you boys?” Guiying asked, producing a notepad out of her apron pocket, as well as a pen.

“I’ll just have the usual, thanks,” Ash told her, shrugging his black leather jacket off over his shoulders. 

“Um...I’ll have whatever Ash is having, thank you!” Eiji smiled. He’d never eaten most of the food listed on the menu. He’d had cheeseburgers and the like, sure, but most of the food on the menu was completely foreign to him. 

“Alright, I’ll get on it,” Guiying smiled, heading back towards the kitchen. 

“What is it you usually eat, anyways?” Eiji asked, turning to Ash. 

Ash smirked, “guess you’ll just have to wait and see!” He teased. 

Eiji laughed, nervous about the possibility of having to eat something he wouldn’t like. 

Even if he didn’t like it, that would be alright. As long as he got to spend time with Ash, that was all that mattered.

The thought that had been tugging at his mind for the past several days resurfaced once again. Something he’d considered since he encountered Ash on the bridge last week. 

“Ash? Can I ask you something?” He breathed, his face pale. 

Ash looked at him, raising an eyebrow upon noticing Eiji’s expression. 

“Sure, what is it?” Anxiety began bubbling up in his stomach. Eiji looked worried; his face pale and his skin covered with a layer of cold sweat. 

“Wh...What was the _real_ reason you were up on the bridge last week?” Eiji asked, his voice shaking as he spoke. 

Ash’s expression dropped, and his stomach twisted into a nervous knot. He could feel the sweat collecting on the back of his neck; he looked like he’d seen a ghost. 

What should he say? Ash wiped his sweaty palms off on his pants, the floor spinning beneath him as the edges of his vision began to blur. 

What should he tell Eiji? 

His stomach twisted, and the bile rising up from it burned his throat. He hadn’t eaten anything today, so it wasn’t like he had anything to lose.

“I...” 

His mouth felt dry, and the words felt trapped in his throat, forced down by his brain as to help him keep his little secret. 

The floor beneath Ash began to spin faster, warping violently as stars flooded the darkening corners of his vision. Alarm bells began sounding off in his brain, that familiar fight-or-flight response activating in an instant, filling his body with a rush of adrenaline. 

Too bad that had never actually helped him. He couldn’t run now; not ever. He could never run from anything. Being backed into a corner like a scared animal made him feel so helpless, and brought the vile black slime of every traumatic memory his brain had locked away seeping back in through the cracks in his brain. 

“Ash?”

Eiji’s voice sounded distant, as if speaking down a long corridor. Tinnitus filled Ash’s ears, the blood in his veins burning hot. His brain felt as though it were on fire, and a sharp pain throbbed inside his skull. 

“I wanted to kill myself,” Ash admitted, startled upon a voice he didn’t know coming from his mouth. 

He’d become familiar with this feeling over his seventeen years of painful existence. 

_Dissociation._ The brain’s way of protecting the mind from extreme trauma, although it rarely proved successful in his case. Ash could see his own body from his vantage point pressed against the wall. He was watching a movie of his pathetic life playing out, shame choking him and keeping him wordless. Whoever ‘Ash’ may have been, he now sat in the passenger seat of his brain and body, some other person or thing reaching out from his charred subconscious to keep him from losing his fucking mind right in this restaurant. 

Eiji’s expression looked pained, and his compassionate brown eyes were wide with sympathy. He placed his hand on Ash’s shoulder, pushing one of the glasses of water that sat atop the table closer to him. 

Ash couldn’t understand Eiji’s words, but his sweaty hands grabbed the glass on instinct, the freezing condensation collecting on the outside of the glass pulling back some semblance of feeling from whatever void in his parietal lobe it disappeared to. 

He had no memory of actually lifting the glass up to drink from it, but that didn’t matter. It was so cold, but for once he was thankful for the unpleasant stinging in the nerves in the roof of his mouth, stringing ropes of his consciousness back to where it belonged. 

Eiji still looked concerned and a bit confused, but again, that didn’t matter. A small trickle of the frigid water rolled down his neck and chest, sending a painful tingle up his nerves, bringing his ‘self’ back to the driver’s seat. 

“Are you okay?” Eiji asked, looking the other up and down as he clutched several napkins in a white-knuckled fist. 

“Yeah,” Ash mumbled, looking down at his uncomfortable white t-shirt, which clung to his chest. 

Why the fuck was he soaking wet?

His expression must’ve betrayed his feelings, because Eiji interjected with a concerned ‘you poured a bunch of water on yourself,’ as he dabbed at Ash’s disgusting-feeling cold shirt, hinting at his pale skin beneath the thin white fabric that stuck to his skin like the bitter memories he hated so much. Whatever had happened sapped every ounce of energy from his body, so all Ash could do was slouch back against the booth as Eiji tried to soak up the water with the shitty café napkins. All his limbs felt filled with lead, and his nerves sounded the alarms in his brain as Eiji sat over him, the other’s knees pressing against Ash’s thighs. He knew he wasn’t in danger, and that Eiji was only trying to help, but the muscle memory he’d relied on for most of his life took precedent over any rationality he may have had. Ash squirmed a bit, his bones aching to get away from this situation, associating any touching of his inner thighs with automatic danger. A thin groan passed his lips as he grasped Eiji’s arm, his body acting on it’s own volition. 

“What are you doing? Do you not want me to touch you?” Eiji asked, withdrawing his hand and the bundle of wet napkins. 

Eiji’s compassion knew no bounds. Ash saw it now in this moment for certain. Even reduced to this state, Eiji respected his autonomy.

Tears rolled down his cheeks, hot and burning. His eyes stung, and he squeezed his eyelids shut to try and keep from crying further, to no avail. 

“Ash?” Eiji looked deathly worried, his tan face pale as he looked into at the other. 

“D-Don’t touch,” Ash breathed. 

“Please get off,” he groaned, a flame running up his spinal cord and allowing him to move once again, even if for one solitary moment in order to sit up. 

“Right, sorry,” Eiji nodded, climbing off the seat. Ash immediately pressed his knees together, hating the repulsive vulnerability his previous position offered. Bile once again rose up in his stomach, and his thighs burned with memories of all the hands that touched him against his will, even when he begged. 

Why was this happening? Why now? Why right in front of Eiji of all people? 

Shame filled his chest as he blinked back the tears that felt as though they would never stop coming, and he propped himself up against the table on his elbows, his lungs burning for precious oxygen. 

“Are you okay, Ash?” Eiji breathed, avoiding eye contact as he stirred the melting ice in his drink with his straw.

Ash’s hand slid over to Eiji’s shoulder, gripping his black letterman jacket tight as he struggled to catch the breath that had evaded him up to this moment. 

Eiji said nothing, instead resting his non-stirring hand atop Ash’s. His touch was so light yet compassionate.

It was a gentleness Ash had never known, and the tears seemed to only fall harder upon making this realization. 

He felt the other rubbing his thumb across the top of his hand, brushing over Ash’s calloused knuckles, setting his skin alight with an unfamiliar warmth. 

When his chest finally stopped aching and his tears became nothing but dry trails traversing his pale face, Ash spoke. 

“I don’t know what that was.”

Eiji looked at him, his lips pressed together into a worried frown. 

“Maybe you had a panic attack or something,” Eiji suggested, knowing full well that that wasn’t what happened. 

Ash nodded, his body weak and heavy. 

“I...I’m glad you didn’t...um...” Eiji trailed off, drumming his fingers against the table. He knew what he wanted to say, but withheld it in fear of upsetting Ash again. 

“Me too.”

“Just let me know if you want me to leave you alone or something,” Eiji told him.

“No!” Ash cried out, almost _too_ fast for his own comfort. 

Eiji’s cheeks flushed upon hearing that. 

“Stay with me. Please?” Ash pleaded, his voice weak and hoarse. 

“I will,” Eiji nodded, his brown eyes focused on somewhere else. 

Ash sighed, leaning his head back as he nodded. Good to know. 

“Your shirt is really wet,” the other pointed out. Before Ash could make a snarky remark, Eiji began shrugging off his jacket. 

Ash remained still as Eiji draped the varsity jacket over his wide shoulders. The fabric was so soft, and it had a warm, reassuring scent that smelled like the home Ash always wished for but never knew. 

“It’s warm...” Ash breathed, the blood resurfacing in his cheeks once again, now that his heart rate had settled down to its usual steady pace. 

Eiji smiled, giving Ash a reassuring nod. “Yeah. Today’s a little chilly, but you barely even feel it with that thing on.”

When the food came, the two ate in relative silence. 

It wasn’t the bad kind, though. Not the uncomfortable kind he knew so well; that lingered in the room on nights his mind was too busy to sleep, or after he awoke in a cold sweat to repulsive dreams of the things he begged god to let him forget. 

It was comfortable. Peaceful, even. The kind of silence shared between friends. They were ignoring the elephant in the room, sure, but they could work it out later. Ash needed—no, deserved to rest. 

For now, the two instead vowed to relax and enjoy their lunch. They could worry about the hard things later, after their peaceful meal together. Eiji would come to understand Ash’s troubles, and Ash would come to trust Eiji as a friend.

And later, they’d both come to see each other as a little more than that.


End file.
